I’ve debated whether to share this with you, but I think it gives you an insight into what it’s like for people with dyslexia on a daily basis. It is NOT a sympathy post! It’s a post to demonstrate how dyslexia is an invisible disability that sometimes makes you very visible in an unexpected way. It shows how we work hard to keep our weaknesses hidden but every now again they burst out in open forums and leave us vulnerable and embarrassed. I think it will help you gather empathy, but also gain awareness as to why dyslexics often lack confidence and do their best to keep themselves hidden.
A few weeks ago, one Thursday I did an internet shop in preparation for my dads birthday my meal on the upcoming Sunday. This was not on my calendar because I know when my dads birthday is. A few days earlier I had received some very sad news from one of my best friends and she was very much on my mind and in my thoughts… I really wanted to see her but life was very busy. My house was upside down, first world problem I know, but our hall was being decorated. I hate when things are decorated – the dust, but more than this it makes me physically anxious because everything is everywhere and the systems I have in place to cope with the everyday are out the window, and it’s when I know I have to keep my guard well and truly up in terms of my dyslexia! It’s when things go wrong.
Back to Thursday and the internet shop! After this the day chugged on. I wrote reports, responded to emails and dodged the dust! My friend remained very much on my mind, along with everything the children were up to at the weekend, although once at theatre school and rugby there was a big chunk of time they didn’t need me. So maybe I could get to see my friend and give her the support I wanted to give her.
Whilst cooking the dinner, cleaning the dust and trying to make sure everyone had everything they needed, inbetween the evening activity runs, I asked Tom what his plans were on Sunday. Could he work out sorting the kids so I could go visit my friend? ‘Yes’ he says… So I message another mutual friend and ask if she is free on Sunday too and would she like to go and surprise our friend who had had the sad news? Yep, she was free. Yep, great idea. Yep, she could book the ferry if I needed her to. Leave it with me I say! I’ll message our friend and double check it’s convenient for us to go.
The evening plods on and I don’t hear from my friend. Several hours later my youngest comes to show me what she has been working on all evening, a birthday card for grandad, followed by ‘mum what are you cooking for grandad’s birthday lunch on Sunday and is everyone coming?’ Followed by deathly silence from me… and a really heavy and ashamed heart. I tell her what we are having for dinner on Sunday and I’ve done the shop! Then I sheepishly message my friend to explain that she hasn’t got back to me yet, but I can’t actually visit her anyway as I have double booked myself! Swiftly followed by messaging my other friend to say it’s all off and that I have embarrassingly double booked myself.
AGAIN… Why am I sharing this with you?
Because this is a really regular error I make and something that is a hidden dyslexic symptom. Double booking and not connecting dates. Remembering appointments in the morning but forgetting by the evening. I don’t really know the science behind it or why it happens… other than short term working memory and overwhelm. But what I do know, is for some reason I just can’t put the dates and connections together. I see everything in isolation. The more dyslexic adults and young people I assess the more I understand I am not alone. Since having my diagnosis of dyslexia I’m better at beginning to rationalise this and not letting it affect my self esteem as much. However, I would be lying if I said it doesn’t derail me and make me majorly question how I manage to run a business and a home and keep afloat! Something as simple as knowing whether I am free or not is not straight forward. I do use calendars and I do double check and check things again and it can lead to being overly anxious or appearing to be a control freak … but even with all this checking errors happen. Maybe not as much as they used to, but I have come to accept this will happen at least once a month!
When it happens, it does stop me being brave for a bit and it does impact on how I live my life as I suddenly play things really Safe and silence myself for a bit! I question my ability, who I am and what I am doing. Luckily I understand my diagnosis but if you didn’t understand why this was happening (like before I had my diagnosis) confidence and self esteem are hugely affected!
So there you go! A vulnerable post! I may look confident and look like I have my shit together on the outside but man there is an edge to dyslexia that can be sharp and can hurt and we do our best to keep It hidden from view for fear of not wanting to look stupid!
So next time someone you know misses an appointment or double books themselves be kind… it’s likely entirely unintentional … and if you notice a friend or family member do it often, they could be dyslexic too.